Your Best Joke

Okay, time to lighten the mood a bit. Please post your best joke(s). I'll start with one of my favorites:

So, this guy Mr. Smith is out hunting in the desert when he sees a large bird flying overhead. Mr. Smith pulls out his 10 gauge shotgun and shoots the bird.

Later at his campsite, Mr. Smith is cooking his bird over an open fire, eating the parts that are ready. Just then, the game commissioner drives by, sees what Mr. Smith is doing, slams on his brakes, jumps out of his Bronco, and says "that's a California Condor you are eating, an endangered and protected species. You are in big trouble with the law".

The next day at court, the judge explains the charges to Mr. Smith and the severity of the penalties. He asks Mr. Smith why he did it and Mr. Smith replied "your honor, I am fairly new to hunting and I honestly thought it was a duck".

The judge says "okay, you have a clean record and I believe you, so I am going to dismiss the case, but can you please approach the bench."

Mr. Smith walks up to the bench and the judge whispers "I've always wanted to know, what does California Condor taste like"?

Mr Smith enthusiastically replied "it tastes an awful lot like Bald Eagle"!!!
 

Omar

Well-known member
Middle aged man finally realizes his elderly father can no longer take care of himself. Despite his immense protests, the son placed his father in a nursing home. His first morning in the home, this beautiful nurse comes and performs oral sex (cleaned up for Yappi) on the old guy. The old guy calls his son, tells him all about it and thanks him for putting him the home.

As the old man begins his short walk to the cafeteria for breakfast, he falls down and this crazy orderly comes out of nowhere and sodomizes him.

Naturally, the old man immediately gets on the phone and begs his son to get him out of the home ASAP. The son is skeptical and tells his dad, “look you got free oral sex this morning from a beautiful woman, sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.” The old man replies “Son, you don’t understand, I wake up hard once a month, I fall down 10x a day.”
 
Okay, this is not taking off like I expected so here is another one. This particular joke is an original that I came up with about 20 years ago:

When I was a kid growing up in extremely rural far southwestern Pennsylvania (paddle faster, I hear banjo music), we were very poor (true). When my mom bought hot dogs, she couldn't afford to also buy hot dog buns.

So when when had hot dogs, we would simply pull out a loaf of Wonder and wrap the dogs in a slice of white.

We called these West Virginia hot dogs....why? Because they were "in bread".

Sorry if this offended any West Virginians...actually spent two fun years at WVU before transferring.
 

gneiss rocks

Well-known member
Are those original? Because that's teamwork there buddy.
All my jokes come with a original guarantee and I will price match any competitor.

Laughter optional, terms and conditions apply.
May cause menstrual cramping, mild projectile vomiting and loss of libido .
Not liable for damages.
This is not legal advice.
 

NewOldBlood

Well-known member
A guy goes into a bar sits down and orders a drink. About the time he finishes the drink, the bartender comes over and ask the man if he would like another. The man says, "I would, but before you make it I have a proposition. If I can show you something amazing, something you've never seen before would you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender was intrigued, it was a slow night, so he said sure. The man reaches into his coat pocket pulls out a tiny little toy piano and sits it on the bar. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a 10 inch tall man who promptly sits down at the toy piano and plays as well as anyone the bartender has ever heard. The bartender, obviously amazed, says "You win man, that's amazing. Drinks on the house the rest of the night."

The man sits at the bar has 4 or 5 drinks and the bartender thinking about the 10 inch man comes over and says "I have to ask, where the hell did you get a 10 inch man that could play the piano like that?" The man says, "Well since you ask come outside to my car and I'll show you." The bar was slow so the bartender follows him out to the car. The man pops the trunk and inside there is a magic genie lamp. The man hands it to the bartender and tells him to give it a rub. The bartender rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie gives the usual spiel and tells the bartender to make a wish. The bartender in amazement says "I wish I had a million bucks." A few seconds later, a million ducks come flying over the two men and sh!ts all over them. The bartender is furious, he ask the man "What the hell is that?" The man says, "I forgot to mention the genie is hard of hearing. Surely you didn't think I wished for a 10 inch pianist."
 

Tom.OH

Member
A guy goes into a bar sits down and orders a drink. About the time he finishes the drink, the bartender comes over and ask the man if he would like another. The man says, "I would, but before you make it I have a proposition. If I can show you something amazing, something you've never seen before would you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender was intrigued, it was a slow night, so he said sure. The man reaches into his coat pocket pulls out a tiny little toy piano and sits it on the bar. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a 10 inch tall man who promptly sits down at the toy piano and plays as well as anyone the bartender has ever heard. The bartender, obviously amazed, says "You win man, that's amazing. Drinks on the house the rest of the night."

The man sits at the bar has 4 or 5 drinks and the bartender thinking about the 10 inch man comes over and says "I have to ask, where the hell did you get a 10 inch man that could play the piano like that?" The man says, "Well since you ask come outside to my car and I'll show you." The bar was slow so the bartender follows him out to the car. The man pops the trunk and inside there is a magic genie lamp. The man hands it to the bartender and tells him to give it a rub. The bartender rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie gives the usual spiel and tells the bartender to make a wish. The bartender in amazement says "I wish I had a million bucks." A few seconds later, a million ducks come flying over the two men and sh!ts all over them. The bartender is furious, he ask the man "What the hell is that?" The man says, "I forgot to mention the genie is hard of hearing. Surely you didn't think I wished for a 10 inch pianist."
Ok,here's the version of the joke I heard years ago.
Guy sits at the bar and orders a beer. A 10 inch man jumps off the mans shoulder pull up a salt shacker and sits down. The bar tender puts down the beer, the man takes a sip and puts it down. The little man gets up and knocks over the beer. The bar tender came over and wiped up the spill. The man orders another beer and the same thing happens again. As the bar tender cleaned up that spill he asked the man whats going on. The man explained he found a bottle on the beach, rubbed it and a genie came out and granted him 3 wishes. His first wish was to be rich, he said he has so much money he cant count it all. His second wish was for good health, he said he hasn't even sneezed in years. Now he really thought about the last wish and finally asked the genie for a 10 inch prick, and there he is...
 

USA70PP

Well-known member
This will take some effort to understand.
It takes place in Berlin in the 70s. A communist delegation is visiting East Berlin. One of the delegation defects to the West and a very excited young American calls the CIA office on Clay Allee and reports someone is tracking the defector in West Berlin. When asked where he got the information, he replied there are signs on the street showing which direction he is going and the signs even have his name on them. Yes they are tracking comrade Umleitung.
Neglected to say it was a Chinese delegation. Hence the "name" Umleitung.
 
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D4fan

Well-known member
Okay, this is not taking off like I expected so here is another one. This particular joke is an original that I came up with about 20 years ago:

When I was a kid growing up in extremely rural far southwestern Pennsylvania (paddle faster, I hear banjo music), we were very poor (true). When my mom bought hot dogs, she couldn't afford to also buy hot dog buns.

So when when had hot dogs, we would simply pull out a loaf of Wonder and wrap the dogs in a slice of white.

We called these West Virginia hot dogs....why? Because they were "in bread".

Sorry if this offended any West Virginians...actually spent two fun years at WVU before transferring.
We had similar food here in south west Ohio. Put the dog in bread, called them Kentucky dogs. ( true additional fact here. We ate hot dogs regularly growing up, but never had one on a bun until I was married. Mom always said bread was much cheaper and tasted the same. I do not agree. The number of times a bread hot dog stuck to the roof of my mouth so firmly I had to use a tool to remove it, I could not count. Hot dog buns dont do that.)
 

eastisbest

Well-known member
Much prefer bread though back in the day, the corner five and dime G.C. Murphy lunch counter they had those split bread buns, buttered and toasted on the grill and the hot dogs off those rolly heaters. Miss those.
 

arizonawildcat

Well-known member
Ok,here's the version of the joke I heard years ago.
Guy sits at the bar and orders a beer. A 10 inch man jumps off the mans shoulder pull up a salt shacker and sits down. The bar tender puts down the beer, the man takes a sip and puts it down. The little man gets up and knocks over the beer. The bar tender came over and wiped up the spill. The man orders another beer and the same thing happens again. As the bar tender cleaned up that spill he asked the man whats going on. The man explained he found a bottle on the beach, rubbed it and a genie came out and granted him 3 wishes. His first wish was to be rich, he said he has so much money he cant count it all. His second wish was for good health, he said he hasn't even sneezed in years. Now he really thought about the last wish and finally asked the genie for a 10 inch prick, and there he is...
Joke doesn.t doesn;t work with "prick" -- it has to be "penis" for the joke to be effective.
 

SLS

Member
A rather obese man went to the doctor and and had the following conversation:

Man: Dr., I have a problem. I can't see my penis. What should I do?

Dr. : You need to diet.

Mam: Dye it? I can't even tell what color it is now!
 

Steel Valley FB

Well-known member
A rather obese man went to the doctor and and had the following conversation:

Man: Dr., I have a problem. I can't see my penis. What should I do?

Dr. : You need to diet.

Mam: Dye it? I can't even tell what color it is now!
There was life insurance salesman in my hometown growing up named Donald Dye. Always thought that was funny as a kid.
 

arizonawildcat

Well-known member
A mouse was walking through the jungle when he heard cries of "Help. Help." The mouse rushed over and saw an elephant stuck in a small pond of quicksand. The mouse immedatiately began pulling on th elephant's tail, but the elephant screamed, "You just broke it." The mouse ran to the front of the elephant and began pulling on the lephant's trunk. The elephant screamed, "No, you twisted it." A light bulb then appeared over the mouse's head. The mouse said "Hold on, I've got an idea." The mouse rushed home, threw a long piece of rope in the trunk of his sports car, and gunned the car. He arrived just in time as he threw the rope around the elephant's head and gunned the sports car, and dragged the elephant out of the quicksand. The elephant, said, "Some day I will help you."

Sure enough in a few days the elephant came across the mouse stuck in the same pond of quicksand . The elephant tried to use his trunk and then tail to reach the mouse, both were still out of commission due to his prior injuries. The elephant said, "Let me go get my sports car to drag you out." The mouse replied that there was not enough time as he was sinking rapidly. The mouse then told the elephant to straddle the pond, and think of the sexiest female elephant he had ever seen and think of all the things he could do with her body. Sure enought, the elephant became very excited and his long member began to descent to the point where the mouse could grab it. The mouse scurried up the member and soon reached solid land.

Moral of the story: You don't need a sports car if you got a big d*ck.
 
A mouse was walking through the jungle when he heard cries of "Help. Help." The mouse rushed over and saw an elephant stuck in a small pond of quicksand. The mouse immedatiately began pulling on th elephant's tail, but the elephant screamed, "You just broke it." The mouse ran to the front of the elephant and began pulling on the lephant's trunk. The elephant screamed, "No, you twisted it." A light bulb then appeared over the mouse's head. The mouse said "Hold on, I've got an idea." The mouse rushed home, threw a long piece of rope in the trunk of his sports car, and gunned the car. He arrived just in time as he threw the rope around the elephant's head and gunned the sports car, and dragged the elephant out of the quicksand. The elephant, said, "Some day I will help you."

Sure enough in a few days the elephant came across the mouse stuck in the same pond of quicksand . The elephant tried to use his trunk and then tail to reach the mouse, both were still out of commission due to his prior injuries. The elephant said, "Let me go get my sports car to drag you out." The mouse replied that there was not enough time as he was sinking rapidly. The mouse then told the elephant to straddle the pond, and think of the sexiest female elephant he had ever seen and think of all the things he could do with her body. Sure enought, the elephant became very excited and his long member began to descent to the point where the mouse could grab it. The mouse scurried up the member and soon reached solid land.

Moral of the story: You don't need a sports car if you got a big d*ck.
I heard a very similar joke, but instead of a mouse, it was a chick 🐤, and instead of a sports car, it was specifically a BMW. Punch line was: If you have a big d*ck, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 
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