Financial Elder/Parental Abuse

IVCguy

Well-known member
Every family has to have one, I suppose, and that's me - for some reason. I'm the guy that has to hear about any and all the trouble (which I would prefer not to know) in the extended family and offer advice or at least point them in the right direction.

My dad had 11 siblings and I have 39 first cousins on that side. My aunts and uncles are in their 80's and 90's now and several have already passed away.

My Uncle E and Aunt R are in a tough spot. E worked as a United Airlines pilot in Miami and Atlanta and then retired them comfortably in Atlanta 25+ years ago. My aunt has end stage dementia and isn't long for the world. E is 90 years old. E and R are fantastic people who weren't the greatest parents. They are the epitome of why permissive parenting isn't a good idea. They turned out a son who is selfish and indifferent to their needs and a daughter who has victimized them (according to E).

I guess my difficulty comes from the fact that E is 90. And while he seems perfectly lucid, he is also very frail, doesn't see or hear well, and doesn't always communicate in the clearest way. But he tells me that he has been caring for R all on his own - no help from his kids. R has to be lifted out of bed and he can't do it any longer. So, she needs a home nurse or a nursing home, but he won't do the latter.

But the real problem is that his dau has POA, access to all their finances, etc. He claims that she has stolen about 10K from their accounts and stolen items from the house, including 5 gold rings. He also trusted her to find an attorney to oversee his end-of-life matters, and he claims the attorney charged him 9K for wills, POA's, etc. which seems a bit steep. How much of that is factual, I can't know.

What would your advice be?

Mine was:
Hire home nurse
Hire new attorney to redo wills and POA's
Have trusted friend, pastor, etc. have the POA
Change locks on home
Have new attorney review the prior attorney's work and fees

What am I missing?
 

D4fan

Well-known member
Every family has to have one, I suppose, and that's me - for some reason. I'm the guy that has to hear about any and all the trouble (which I would prefer not to know) in the extended family and offer advice or at least point them in the right direction.

My dad had 11 siblings and I have 39 first cousins on that side. My aunts and uncles are in their 80's and 90's now and several have already passed away.

My Uncle E and Aunt R are in a tough spot. E worked as a United Airlines pilot in Miami and Atlanta and then retired them comfortably in Atlanta 25+ years ago. My aunt has end stage dementia and isn't long for the world. E is 90 years old. E and R are fantastic people who weren't the greatest parents. They are the epitome of why permissive parenting isn't a good idea. They turned out a son who is selfish and indifferent to their needs and a daughter who has victimized them (according to E).

I guess my difficulty comes from the fact that E is 90. And while he seems perfectly lucid, he is also very frail, doesn't see or hear well, and doesn't always communicate in the clearest way. But he tells me that he has been caring for R all on his own - no help from his kids. R has to be lifted out of bed and he can't do it any longer. So, she needs a home nurse or a nursing home, but he won't do the latter.

But the real problem is that his dau has POA, access to all their finances, etc. He claims that she has stolen about 10K from their accounts and stolen items from the house, including 5 gold rings. He also trusted her to find an attorney to oversee his end-of-life matters, and he claims the attorney charged him 9K for wills, POA's, etc. which seems a bit steep. How much of that is factual, I can't know.

What would your advice be?

Mine was:
Hire home nurse
Hire new attorney to redo wills and POA's
Have trusted friend, pastor, etc. have the POA
Change locks on home
Have new attorney review the prior attorney's work and fees

What am I missing?
I have walked a similar path.

Seems most Dad's would not be comfortable severly limiting or ending access to their daughter, after all relationships are worth far more than money. In our case my sister was "protecting" family assets by removing them from the home so healthcare workers and hospice employees would not take them. At least that was her view of why she took items from the house without approval . She had zero authority to do so, and I informed her the items she took needed to be returned or she would be severly penalized in the final settlement of the estate. She chose to not return the items, most more of an emotional value than monetary, but some things like Dad's coin collection were both economic and sentimental.

When dad heard how I was handling it, he was furious.....with me. He valued her time and visits far greater than he cared about the minor sacrifice of family heirlooms being removed right under his nose, and blamed the one calling attention to it more than the perpetrator of such action. I had other siblings to protect and as executor of the estate I knew I also had to protect everyone's interests as if they were my own.

So be careful of alienating a daughter from her father, he may not want to give that relationship up regardless of the personal financial cost incurred, making the solving of the situation more difficult and less strait forward.

What your uncle is experiencing is very common, but not right at the same time.

I think in a succinct nutshell Clark gives very good advice in post #3 directly above.
 
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IVCguy

Well-known member
6. File restraining order against the daughter
I actually considered this, but seemed like it could be overkill.

I texted my sis - who knows the cousin better, and asked her if she thought she was capable of doing this. Sis said, "She is totally selfish and pure evil." I replied, "Don't hold back. Tell me how you really feel." Lol
 

IVCguy

Well-known member
I have walked a similar path.

Seems most Dad's would not be comfortable severly limiting or ending access to their daughter, after all relationships are worth far more than money. In our case my sister was "protecting" family assets by removing them from the home so healthcare workers and hospice employees would not take them. At least that was her view of why she took items from the house without approval . She had zero authority to do so, and I informed her the items she took needed to be returned or she would be severly penalized in the final settlement of the estate. She chose to not return the items, most more of an emotional value than monetary, but some things like Dad's coin collection were both economic and sentimental.

When dad heard how I was handling it, he was furious.....with me. He valued her time and visits far greater than he cared about the minor sacrifice of family heirlooms being removed right under his nose, and blamed the one calling attention to it more than the perpetrator of such action. I had other siblings to protect and as executor of the estate I knew I also had to protect everyone's interests as if they were my own.

So be careful of alienating a daughter from her father, he may not want to give that relationship up regardless of the personal financial cost incurred, making the solving of the situation more difficult and less strait forward.

What your uncle is experiencing is very common, but not right at the same time.

I think in a succinct nutshell Clark gives very good advice in post #3 directly above.
No good deed goes unpunished.

I helped my dad navigate the end of his life - and he resented me for it. It's hard, I imagine, to lose control and have someone else making decisions for you.

But he created messes that took me years to unravel and fix. When he was 78, he bought a brand new pull behind camper - but had no vehicle to pull it! Their car was a Nissan Rogue! Plus he had no ability to set up a camper or get it to a site safely. I eneded up having to sell a never used camper at a 4K loss! That's one of 100 foul ups.

I would tell him that I was always going to do what was in his best interest no matter how much he resented it. His dementia made it difficult to explain the why of what I was doing. So, he wasn't shy about sharing that he thought I was mean and disrespectful. Lol

What I had to take solace in was that God and other family members did know what I did and why I did it - and I think those people appreciate the flack I took for caring for him and that God knows that I was honoring my father.
 
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