Major Announcement: So Long, Brutus?

AEW Champion

Well-known member
** This is parody, for posters like @zeeman and @bigkat and @nutsnbolts who are a little slow on the uptake. **

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES NAME CHANGE


COLUMBUS, Ohio — On Dec. 7, 2022, the 81st anniversary of the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor, trustees of The Ohio State University convened and approved a change of the university’s nickname.

“Our football team Pearl Harbored its way into the College Football Playoff this past weekend,” trustee Joe Schmohawk said. “We know our team typically gets summarily dismissed in the CFP. We noted that our playoff failures were shared by our friends to the north, the Cleveland baseball team formerly known as the [redacted]. With their success under the new moniker of Guardians, including a playoff series win, we were motivated to explore a similar change.”

The University consulted with a naming expert who only wanted to be known as a former WWE Champion. The consultant noted that the word Buckeye not only had no association with the people of Ohio, but that it was similarly divisive and exclusionary as [redacted], given that it excluded numerous other types of nuts such as almonds, cashews, walnuts, peanuts, etc. The consultant also wanted it noted that the University paid him more than peanuts for his viewpoints.

“The consultant was a real Tree of Knowledge for us and knew everything about name changes,” Schmohawk said.

Schmohawk continued: “We are proud to announce that, effective immediately, we are renouncing the moniker of Buckeyes, and going forward we will be known as the Ohio State Butteyes. Additionally, Brutus the Buckeye will be retired. Our consultant noted that our Brutus mascot has been a damaged brand ever since he got his backside handed to him in a years-ago brawl with the Ohio Bobcat. Also, the consultant noted that Brutus’s head could be a future target for Columbus-area squirrels foraging for nuts before their winter hibernation.”

The University feels that Butteyes more truly represents its large fanbase, particularly those who spew their opinions on Internet message boards like molten diarrhea.

Additionally, the University feels ashamed of America for its invasion of Iraq in 2003. As a reparation to the people of Iraq, the University’s replacement of Brutus will be awarded the first name of Iraq’s former leader. “Our new mascot, Sadam E. al-Awer, might be uncomfortable at first for some, but they’ll open themselves up to him as time goes on,” Schmohawk said.

Al-Awer’s costume is in its initial stages. He will not appear at the University’s CFP game versus Georgia.

New Butteyes apparel will be released ahead of the CFP appearance. A prototype is included with this press release.

— 30 —

7833EA4F-1B22-462C-8796-01B433716125.jpeg

It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …
 

utsherman

Well-known member
Falling Asleep Dr Steve Brule GIF
 

nutsnbolts

Well-known member
** This is parody, for posters like @zeeman and @bigkat and @nutsnbolts who are a little slow on the uptake. **

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES NAME CHANGE


COLUMBUS, Ohio — On Dec. 7, 2022, the 81st anniversary of the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor, trustees of The Ohio State University convened and approved a change of the university’s nickname.

“Our football team Pearl Harbored its way into the College Football Playoff this past weekend,” trustee Joe Schmohawk said. “We know our team typically gets summarily dismissed in the CFP. We noted that our playoff failures were shared by our friends to the north, the Cleveland baseball team formerly known as the [redacted]. With their success under the new moniker of Guardians, including a playoff series win, we were motivated to explore a similar change.”

The University consulted with a naming expert who only wanted to be known as a former WWE Champion. The consultant noted that the word Buckeye not only had no association with the people of Ohio, but that it was similarly divisive and exclusionary as [redacted], given that it excluded numerous other types of nuts such as almonds, cashews, walnuts, peanuts, etc. The consultant also wanted it noted that the University paid him more than peanuts for his viewpoints.

“The consultant was a real Tree of Knowledge for us and knew everything about name changes,” Schmohawk said.

Schmohawk continued: “We are proud to announce that, effective immediately, we are renouncing the moniker of Buckeyes, and going forward we will be known as the Ohio State Butteyes. Additionally, Brutus the Buckeye will be retired. Our consultant noted that our Brutus mascot has been a damaged brand ever since he got his backside handed to him in a years-ago brawl with the Ohio Bobcat. Also, the consultant noted that Brutus’s head could be a future target for Columbus-area squirrels foraging for nuts before their winter hibernation.”

The University feels that Butteyes more truly represents its large fanbase, particularly those who spew their opinions on Internet message boards like molten diarrhea.

Additionally, the University feels ashamed of America for its invasion of Iraq in 2003. As a reparation to the people of Iraq, the University’s replacement of Brutus will be awarded the first name of Iraq’s former leader. “Our new mascot, Sadam E. al-Awer, might be uncomfortable at first for some, but they’ll open themselves up to him as time goes on,” Schmohawk said.

Al-Awer’s costume is in its initial stages. He will not appear at the University’s CFP game versus Georgia.

New Butteyes apparel will be released ahead of the CFP appearance. A prototype is included with this press release.

— 30 —

View attachment 37068

It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …
You suck at parodies almost as bad as real football.
 

Hammerdrill

Well-known member
Cool parody, still doesn’t change the fact your team hasn’t won a Nati this century 😂
And their last one was against that perennial power West Virginia, wasn't it? I mean does that even count? I'm not sure which one is worse, their last one or Michigan's.
 

LCL

Active member
** This is parody, for posters like @zeeman and @bigkat and @nutsnbolts who are a little slow on the uptake. **

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES NAME CHANGE


COLUMBUS, Ohio — On Dec. 7, 2022, the 81st anniversary of the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor, trustees of The Ohio State University convened and approved a change of the university’s nickname.

“Our football team Pearl Harbored its way into the College Football Playoff this past weekend,” trustee Joe Schmohawk said. “We know our team typically gets summarily dismissed in the CFP. We noted that our playoff failures were shared by our friends to the north, the Cleveland baseball team formerly known as the [redacted]. With their success under the new moniker of Guardians, including a playoff series win, we were motivated to explore a similar change.”

The University consulted with a naming expert who only wanted to be known as a former WWE Champion. The consultant noted that the word Buckeye not only had no association with the people of Ohio, but that it was similarly divisive and exclusionary as [redacted], given that it excluded numerous other types of nuts such as almonds, cashews, walnuts, peanuts, etc. The consultant also wanted it noted that the University paid him more than peanuts for his viewpoints.

“The consultant was a real Tree of Knowledge for us and knew everything about name changes,” Schmohawk said.

Schmohawk continued: “We are proud to announce that, effective immediately, we are renouncing the moniker of Buckeyes, and going forward we will be known as the Ohio State Butteyes. Additionally, Brutus the Buckeye will be retired. Our consultant noted that our Brutus mascot has been a damaged brand ever since he got his backside handed to him in a years-ago brawl with the Ohio Bobcat. Also, the consultant noted that Brutus’s head could be a future target for Columbus-area squirrels foraging for nuts before their winter hibernation.”

The University feels that Butteyes more truly represents its large fanbase, particularly those who spew their opinions on Internet message boards like molten diarrhea.

Additionally, the University feels ashamed of America for its invasion of Iraq in 2003. As a reparation to the people of Iraq, the University’s replacement of Brutus will be awarded the first name of Iraq’s former leader. “Our new mascot, Sadam E. al-Awer, might be uncomfortable at first for some, but they’ll open themselves up to him as time goes on,” Schmohawk said.

Al-Awer’s costume is in its initial stages. He will not appear at the University’s CFP game versus Georgia.

New Butteyes apparel will be released ahead of the CFP appearance. A prototype is included with this press release.

— 30 —

View attachment 37068

It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …
Not as funny as an April Fool's Day joke wrote in the Dispatch awhile back.

Ohio State University is no longer allowed to refer to its school colors as scarlet and gray, thanks to a surprising legal settlement announced Thursday night.

Effective today, the colors are officially known as “ruby and porpoise,” university officials said.

“It’s mostly semantics,” OSU spokeswoman April Uno said. “The new colors are just slightly different from the old ones.”

The settlement ends a 13-year court battle between OSU and tiny Philo Olmsted College in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

Fans aren’t prevented from identifying the OSU colors as scarlet and gray, but no OSU website, publication or even song is permitted to use the terms.

Late in the evening, the OSU website had already begun referring to the Scarlet and Gray golf courses as Ruby and Porpoise.

"It is a slight break from tradition, but we’re looking at it as an opportunity to update the university’s brand,” Uno said. “For example, we can incorporate some cute fish logos.”

The ruby-and-porpoise description was chosen by OSU after it ensured, through a hasty review of university trademarks, that it wasn’t already being used.

"The beauty of ‘porpoise’ is that no other school has ever thought to use it to describe gray,” Uno said.

The new color combination differs just enough from scarlet and gray to satisfy Olmsted lawyers, who sued Ohio State on April 1, 2003, for trademark infringement.

The suit, largely laughed off when filed, had languished in the courts for years.

Recently, however, the situation turned more serious when Olmsted archivists unearthed a document proving that the Michigan school had registered scarlet and gray with the little-known U.S. Bureau of Athletic Paraphernalia, Regalia, Insignia and Labels on April 1, 1875 — several years before OSU adopted the same colors.

In a last-ditch effort, OSU offered to pay Olmsted millions of dollars for the rights to the colors. But the smaller school refused: Olmsted, which has 600 students and no football team, noted that its success in collegiate ice croquet is diminished by any Ohio State use of its colors.

“Our ice-croquet teams have won several championships,” said Gustave Ferbert IV, president of Olmsted.

“We felt there was a substantial risk of confusion between OSU teams and ours if the color-infringement issue were not resolved.”

Will Buckeyes fans accept the change? The university will find out April 16 during the spring intra-squad football game.

Traditionally, the game pits a Scarlet team against a Gray team.

This year, it will feature Ruby vs. Porpoise, head coach Urban Meyer confirmed.

“Some of the guys will probably say they don’t want to be on the fish team,” he said. “I’ll tell them: ‘Porpoises beat up sharks. They’re tough.’ ”

OSU also changed the lyrics of Buckeye Battle Cry, one of the two fight songs, to remove “scarlet and gray.”

The new lyrics:

Drive! Drive on down the field, men of the ruby and porpoise;

Juke out that cornerback and put some hurtin’ on his corpus.


The color change, which came with little warning, seems to have caught OSU fans off-guard.

Several who were approached Thursday night at the Varsity Club near campus expressed disbelief.

"Get out of here,” said Harwood Pool IV, 36, of Pataskala. “Ruby and porpoise?

“Are you sure this isn’t just an April Fools’ joke?”
 
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