BREAKING NEWS: The Ohio High School Athletic Association has announced that, as a result of the outcry from the "many soccer fans" they will not be keeping score for any of the remaining state tournament soccer games this season. Instead, they will assign a panel of judges, including resident expert vedderhead, to award points according to which team plays the prettiest soccer. Points will be awarded in the following categories:
1. Combination play, regardless of whether it creates a scoring chance. (Bonus points for a give-and-go that elicits crowd reaction.)
2. Individual skill. (Execute a successful Maradona = 2X multiplier.)
3. First touch. Whichever team averages the closest distance maintained on first touch will be awarded these points.
4. Whatever else these "soccer experts" consider to align with "the way the game was meant to be played" (whatever that means).
Under no circumstances will the outcome depend on the following: Physicality, fitness level, grit, determination, collective team defending, set pieces (obviously those don't count), ability to execute on team scouting plan, resliency, actual goals scored vs. actual goals conceded.
When asked for comment, OHSAA officials explained that they really enjoy gymnastics and platform diving. "Let's make soccer more like those sports." One official remarked. "What could be more beautiful than that?"