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Every so often, the run-of-the-mill young punk — arrogant, braggadocious despite having accomplished little, thinks he has the Sauce, etc. — feels the need to gain a little extra attention and pump up his secretly fragile ego by attempting a conquest. He wanders the village’s establishments on a Saturday looking for a match, but all the eligible bachelorettes in the hottest establishments are already drooling over the alpha males at the bars such as Georgia, Michigan, Alabama and Oklahoma State.
With a sigh of resignation, the small fish leaves the big-boy bars, slumps his shoulders and heads to his regular watering hole: the dirtiest, oldest, most disgusting run-down establishment in town, known as The Nip. Entering The Nip, the Johnny-Come-Lately sees the same sad, decrepit faces that he sees every Saturday: peg-legged Pirates, night Owls, women who qualify as big ole Bulls, etc. In other words, the dregs of society; the people you only see at the DMV or your local WalMart.
Suddenly, from the other side of the dimly lit bar approaches the Cougar. Unlike the lepers occupying the other bar stools, the Cougar actually looks like a member of society. Excited, the little punk chats up the Cougar, who purports to be 24 but is actually more like 44.
The kid realizes he has found his trophy for the night and they soon leave together. They take selfies and he excitedly texts all his buddies and tweets out to the world what a great, beautiful, perfect 10 he will conquer that night. Show him some respect!
With that false sense of security under his belt, the punk starts to get concerned upon entering his apartment when the Cougar gets more commanding, declaring it her house now. Before he knows it, the punk has claw marks all over his body from the aggressive Cougar’s nails. Sensing a big old L for the evening, in one final act of desperation, the punk tries to ask the Cougar to leave the premises, but his request is denied. Instead, he is made to put on pink New Big 12 handcuffs and a G5 dog collar, and is summarily thrown into a pet’s cage.
Having gained years of experience as a bootlicker while begging five groups of popular guys to include him in their ranks, the punk does what he knows best and begins licking the Cougar’s boots, which look a lot like cleats.
The Cougar laughs at the punk’s humiliating act while she is texting someone. She then walks to the front door and lets in an older gentleman with thinning hair. It’s the beta’s former hero, Brian Kelly! He’ll save the day! Instead, Brian Kelly turns heel and takes pictures of the punk in the cage and posts the pics on Instagram.
BK then deflowers the Cougar while the caged punk watches.
The punk makes a deal to escape the cage and get the couple to leave: He will wear a French maid dress while vacuuming the confetti off the CFP field when Kelly wins a national title at LSU. The upstart punk has effectively turned into a football Subby Hubby.
The clock then strikes midnight and the punk curls up into a ball, wishing the rendezvous with the Cougar was just a bad dream.
It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …
Urban, Fickell or Campbell to ND!
With a sigh of resignation, the small fish leaves the big-boy bars, slumps his shoulders and heads to his regular watering hole: the dirtiest, oldest, most disgusting run-down establishment in town, known as The Nip. Entering The Nip, the Johnny-Come-Lately sees the same sad, decrepit faces that he sees every Saturday: peg-legged Pirates, night Owls, women who qualify as big ole Bulls, etc. In other words, the dregs of society; the people you only see at the DMV or your local WalMart.
Suddenly, from the other side of the dimly lit bar approaches the Cougar. Unlike the lepers occupying the other bar stools, the Cougar actually looks like a member of society. Excited, the little punk chats up the Cougar, who purports to be 24 but is actually more like 44.
The kid realizes he has found his trophy for the night and they soon leave together. They take selfies and he excitedly texts all his buddies and tweets out to the world what a great, beautiful, perfect 10 he will conquer that night. Show him some respect!
With that false sense of security under his belt, the punk starts to get concerned upon entering his apartment when the Cougar gets more commanding, declaring it her house now. Before he knows it, the punk has claw marks all over his body from the aggressive Cougar’s nails. Sensing a big old L for the evening, in one final act of desperation, the punk tries to ask the Cougar to leave the premises, but his request is denied. Instead, he is made to put on pink New Big 12 handcuffs and a G5 dog collar, and is summarily thrown into a pet’s cage.
Having gained years of experience as a bootlicker while begging five groups of popular guys to include him in their ranks, the punk does what he knows best and begins licking the Cougar’s boots, which look a lot like cleats.
The Cougar laughs at the punk’s humiliating act while she is texting someone. She then walks to the front door and lets in an older gentleman with thinning hair. It’s the beta’s former hero, Brian Kelly! He’ll save the day! Instead, Brian Kelly turns heel and takes pictures of the punk in the cage and posts the pics on Instagram.
BK then deflowers the Cougar while the caged punk watches.
The punk makes a deal to escape the cage and get the couple to leave: He will wear a French maid dress while vacuuming the confetti off the CFP field when Kelly wins a national title at LSU. The upstart punk has effectively turned into a football Subby Hubby.
The clock then strikes midnight and the punk curls up into a ball, wishing the rendezvous with the Cougar was just a bad dream.
It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …
Urban, Fickell or Campbell to ND!
