Your Best Joke

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
 
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s pecker off.”
The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot
 
What's square root of 69?

Answer: 8 something
(an actual math fact 8.3066...)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's the speed limit on route 69?

--- Lick-it-dee split --

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Another fact:
While most Interstate route signs are bolted with lock-tite nuts to support posts;
The I-69 route signs have the the nuts welded, to cut down on theft.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Home Late From Golf - A Story

Sunday morning 8 AM...

Tom: "Honey I might be a tad late today; I'm playing 18 with Richard, Harry, and Charlie"

Peg (Tom's wife): "Don't be too late,we're going to your Mom's for dinner a six."

Off to the golf course Tom goes..

4 O'Clock, no Tom, 5 PM no Tom, 6 PM still no Tom..
Peg is getting worried then angry...
7 ~ 8 ~ 9 PM still no Tom ...
10 PM; Tom finally makes it home...

Peg: (ANGRY) "What the Sam-hill happened to you, you knew we were going to your Mom's"

Tom: "I'm sorry Honey, but Charlie had a heart attack on the 10th hole."

Peg: (more demure) "That's sad, so you were at the hospital all this time with Charlie?"

Tom: "No, The EMT's just now took him."

Peg: "So, you waited while they worked on him."

Tom: "Not really, after Charlie keeled over, from then on it was hit the ball. drag Charlie...
hit the ball. draaaag Charlie...hit the ball. draaaaaaggg Charlie..."

:>---

SALT
 
Something more PG... A family is in church and their 5 yr old son suddenly blurts out “Daddy, I have to pee!” The father embarrassed tells his son, “ok, but next time don’t say you have to “pee”, say you have to whisper.”

The following day, the kid is in his Kindergarten classroom and has to go again. This time he tells the teacher “I have to whisper”, to which the teacher responds “go ahead dear, whisper in my ear.”
 
Omar said:
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s pecker off.”
The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot
Click to expand...
This is now going to be my go-to joke.
 
A man owns an elephant and wants to make some money.

So he has an idea, he has seen elephants stand on two legs, even one leg, but never jump. He has a contest, make the elephant jump, and win $10,000, but you have to pay $100 to try. People came far and wide and nobody could get the elephant to jump. He makes lots of money.

Then, one day a man drives up in a big old 1956 Cadillac and asks the elephant owner "I give you $100 and if I make the elephant jump, you give me $10,000?" The owner says yes.

The man then walks to the back of his Caddy, pulls out a huge club, walks up to the elephant, looks it right in the eys for a minute, then walks to the rear of the elephant, loads back and smacks the elephant is the rear with tremendous force. The elephant jumps three feet strsight up in the air. The man collects his $10,000 and leaves.

Now the owner still made out well, so he decides to hold another contest. He has seen an elephant move its head up and down, but never side-to-side.

Again, people come from all over to try and none are successful. Eventually the man with the Cadillac shows up and asks about the parameters. He then goes to trunk of his car and pulls out the huge club.

He walks up to the elephant and looks it right in the eyes and says "Remember me?", and the elephant nods his head YES.

"Want me to do it again?", and the elephant vigorously shakes his head NO!!!
 
So a guy suffers through life with an abnormally small "member." Having been embarrassed by it throughout his life he finally works up the courage to go to a doctor about it. After showing it to the doctor the doctor agrees that it is so small that he can deem enhancement surgery a medical necessity and get insurance to cover it.. He tells the poor guy of a radical new surgery they've refined in California where they graft on a baby elephant's trunk and it serves as the recipient's "member." The guy decides after years of misery to give it a try and the surgery goes off without a hitch.

After three or four months of healing, the guy decides it's time to take his new manhood out for its first run on a date. He takes the date to a nice restaurant and soon after they are seated a waitress sets a nice basket of rolls on the table. Suddenly, his new "member" tears itself out of his pants onto the table, snatches a roll out of the basket and disappears back under the table. The shocked date, amazed by what she's witnessed asks "wow, could you do that again?" The guy responds "Ummmm, maybe, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my @$$."
 
Kim Kardashian & Kate Middleton in popularity contest: Kim walks on stage, takes off blouse & bra, flaps her t*ts.. Kate walks on stage, sits in chair, duches

head judge: "Lady Middleton wins."

Kim: "Why?"

judge: "Royal flush beats two of a kind."
 
When I started this thread, I thought it would have tons of responses, however, that has not been the case. So like any other Yappi thread, all you have to do is mention one certain city and all of the sudden, the thread will take off. So here it goes:

Why don't they have ice cubes in Massillon?

They forgot the recipe!

No offense to anyone from Massillon. Just trying to get this thread rolling by recruiting some new responders.
 
An old classic I've been using for years (an adjustable joke).

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

2016 Hide and Seek World Champion.
 
Here's another "adjustable" joke.

Q Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?

A They couldn't a virgin and three wise men.
 
This is always one of my favorites.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife, daughter and son. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Redneck’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click .... (sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click, click, click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Son: “Can we get our ice cream, now?”
 
There is a hillbilly who lives in the Parkersburg area that has a teenage daughter who comes home and tells him that she is pregnant.

"Who did it?" The father asks.

"A guy I met named Clarence from over in Marietta."

The dad tells his 6 sons to get in the pickup because they are going to go find this Clarence and beat him up.

They were gone about 20 minutes and came back. The daughter says, 'Daddy, you havent been gone long enough to go to Marietta, find Clarence, and beat him up!"

"I know", he said, "We got over there to the bridge and they had a sign up there that said that Clarence was 14 feet, 6 inches, so we just came home."
 
Just.here said:
This is always one of my favorites.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Click to expand...
I was told that there wouldn't be any math on this thread.
 
A man is walking on a beach in California and finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.

Genie: "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I thought genies granted three wishes."

Genie: "With inflation we only do one now, so think carefully and choose wisely."

Eventually the man decided what he wanted. He told the genie he loves Hawaii, but hates to fly and boats are too slow, so he asked for a highway from California to Hawaii so he can just drive out there.

The genie told him even though genies have great power, what he was asking was impossible, and instructed him to ask for something else.

The man had an aha moment and said, "I'd like to fully and completely understand women."

Genie: "Would you like that highway two lanes or four?"
 
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An old Jerry Clower joke:

Marcell Ledbetter skips church one Sunday morning in May to hunt mushrooms up on the mountain.

He slips on some shale and slides down the mountain to the edge of a cliff with a 1000 foot drop. As he goes over the edge of the cliff, he grabs a sassafras root with one hand and is dangling there.

He yells for help, but no one is up there. They are all at church where he should be.

His grip on the root begins to loosen. In his desperation, he looks up to heaven and says, "Help! Is anybody up there?" No answer.

His grip loosens more. "HELP! Is anybody up there?!". No answer.

Finally he knows he has only seconds left before he lets completely go of the root and falls. HEEELP! Is ANYBODY up there?!!!"

He hears a deep, thunderous voice that says, "Yes. I am here. Have faith and let go."

Marcell says in a high pitched voice: "Is anybody ELSE up there?!"
 
A lady was looking for love after three failed relationships. One man beat her, the other ran out on her and the other was no good in bed. So she put went to one of those dating sites telling of her woes. Well one day the door bell rang. When she opened the door, she looked down to see a man with no arms and no legs! She asked the gentleman what was he doing. He said I'm here for a date. She looked puzzled, then he said "I have no arms to beat you with. I have no legs to leave you. Then she said what makes you think you can satisfy me? He replied, How do you think I rang that door bell. :D
 
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