My 17 yr old son has no friends....

Tesoro said:
I guess I can pray my son doesn't end up as a #4.
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My guess is if he was, you would know it. One of my kid's schools had a child psych. who specializes in bullying come in and "train" kids and "staff." He gave a presentation about bullying in boys and girls. The girls' was much more insidious.
 
I think it’s important to note that getting along with others and making friends (I'm sure it will surprise people on here that I do have many friends) is a lifelong skill. I say that because someone who may not fit in and find their niche in their youth, can definitely change that situation as an adult, if they want. And it’s simply a matter of being willing to put yourself out there as willing and open to meet people.
 
ogealbhain said:
My guess is if he was, you would know it. One of my kid's schools had a child psych. who specializes in bullying come in and "train" kids and "staff." He gave a presentation about bullying in boys and girls. The girls' was much more insidious.
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Yes..girls can be just plain nasty.
 
eastside_purple said:
I think it’s important to note that getting along with others and making friends (I'm sure it will surprise people on here that I do have many friends) is a lifelong skill. I say that because someone who may not fit in and find their niche in their youth, can definitely change that situation as an adult, if they want. And it’s simply a matter of being willing to put yourself out there as willing and open to meet people.
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Agree 100%. My mom always made me do things that I was uncomfortable with when I was younger...and it helped later on.
 
Tesoro said:
Thank you. Honestly..nothing worse. I think it's a little of both. I think it's somewhat situational and partly he's shy/awkward. His really only interest is working...that is where he feels success. He struggles in school (is on an IEP). He's a really hard worker though and has done well in school (relatively speaking).
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I'll tell you what, there could be worse. If he likes working and feels a sense of self worth, then more power to him. He's ahead of many of his peers. Let's face it, for the most part school forces kids to be together, but after school days are over, everyone is on their own. The fact that he works is great, there is always going to be work. He may have had some really bad friendships break up early on and it's difficult to take that chance again. No tougher time in life than ages 15-25 or so. So many things change during those times, including our physical and psychologial development.
 
Tesoro said:
He is starting vocational school this next year (he will be a junior). SO...that could be good. I sure hope it is. And I've always wanted my kids to be close....which makes me worry even more that he won't find happiness here.
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..if you would occassionally unlock the basement door he may be able to leave and meet some peeps!
 
Tesoro said:
I don't need the normal banter here on Yappi. I'm reaching out...I'm seriously bummed and worried as one could imagine. Is there anyone on Yappi that experienced the same thing in high school, eventually find a good set of friends?
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If it helps my BEST friends were the people I met in college. I had plenty of friends in high school but once high school ended it seemed we all went our separate ways, met new people and those new people became our friends for life. Example - the guy I consider my best friend in high school I got a half hearted invite to his wedding a few years after graduation. I've been the best man for three friends from college who beyond friends I consider them more so brothers now these years later.
 
Yappi said:
I'll just add that this is far more normal than most people believe. Some people have seen how much I hate Facebook on here. Most of that is because my son got on it about 10 years ago and I monitored everything for about a week. That site made me sick to my stomach. The garbage that was on there then for a child was ridiculous. Life is glorified on there and it is not real life. Other social media has taken over but the messages are still the same for kids.

Today, most of the kids are bored. Most of the kids do not have alot of friends. Most kids are struggling trying to fit in. I can't count how many times I've talked to a parent of a kid that seemed to have it all going their way only to find out how difficult they have had it. Make sure your son understands that and takes pride in the things that he does well. And try to keep him from worrying about what other people think.
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As someone who graduated high school in the late 90s, I along with people of a similar age demographic wonder how we would've handled social media at 16. We all agree that we're better off having not had FB, IG, snapchat or Twitter in our lives at that age. One's teenage years are weird enough without having them broadcast all over the internet.
 
ogealbhain said:
My guess is if he was, you would know it. One of my kid's schools had a child psych. who specializes in bullying come in and "train" kids and "staff." He gave a presentation about bullying in boys and girls. The girls' was much more insidious.
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We as a staff sat through a similar presentation a few years ago. By all accounts the worst offenders when it comes to bullying are middle school aged girls. Boys regardless of age when they do bully its in your face. Girls, especially in middle school are relentless with online bullying.
 
Tesoro said:
Empty nest scares me lol.
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Dude! Empty nest is awesome! My two are out on their own and acting all grown up and even thank us now for being the best parents. We are much closer as a family now than when they were teenagers. Teens usually think mom and dad are idiots
 
Kids are really hard to figure out.

Does your son express himself normally? Does he talk about his feelings to you? Does he communicate in a manner beyond single, brief sentences? If so, you're just concerned about his lack of friends right?

I would be less concerned about his lack of friendship personally than I would his overall personality and psyche. I'm sure he's fine, but I suspect he probably is distrusting of his peers or fears that he could be hurt & betrayed if he goes out on a leap and tries to make friends. Is he shy?

Honestly? Have him get a part-time job at some place like a grocery store. Be a stock clerk. It develops skills and he'll get to work with people his age and for managers who have been the boss of plenty of people of all lived experience. Your son could benefit from a good working relationship with someone who isn't his folks, and a job is a great place for him to form some normal relationship building skills. Friend wise? If he goes to vocational school or community college, he'll make friends for sure. Have him be comfortable in his own skin and encourage him to have fun when he's around strangers. Be himself. Our relationship building is formed through our senses.
 
I attended 4 different high schools. At 3 of those schools, I did short pretty short stints and didn't really make friends despite being a good athlete that was active on interscholastic teams.

At the school I attended the longest and ended up graduating from, I still struggled to make friends as I lived outside of the school district and took mostly honors/AP classes with kids whom I didn't have a lot in common.

However, outside of sports, I was able to make genuine friendships (especially with girls) by participating in a lot of the school's community service activities. I found kids who did community service to be friendly and welcoming.

So that's my two cents; have your son take advantage of any community service activities his school might offer.
 
The Dock said:
Kids are really hard to figure out.

Does your son express himself normally? Does he talk about his feelings to you? Does he communicate in a manner beyond single, brief sentences? If so, you're just concerned about his lack of friends right?

I would be less concerned about his lack of friendship personally than I would his overall personality and psyche. I'm sure he's fine, but I suspect he probably is distrusting of his peers or fears that he could be hurt & betrayed if he goes out on a leap and tries to make friends. Is he shy?

Honestly? Have him get a part-time job at some place like a grocery store. Be a stock clerk. It develops skills and he'll get to work with people his age and for managers who have been the boss of plenty of people of all lived experience. Your son could benefit from a good working relationship with someone who isn't his folks, and a job is a great place for him to form some normal relationship building skills. Friend wise? If he goes to vocational school or community college, he'll make friends for sure. Have him be comfortable in his own skin and encourage him to have fun when he's around strangers. Be himself. Our relationship building is formed through our senses.
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He is shy around kids his own age...he can talk to adults and children younger than him very well.

I am just concerned about his lack of friends. I want him to experience the joys of High school...going to sporting events, homecoming, prom etc. I could see him not doing any of those things and after he gets out..never show up at a class reunion. (Which I'd completely understand).
 
I don't care how bad your son is in football. If your in the right program kids will love him no matter what. He'll have the best lifelong experience for ever. Trust Me!
 
At least when I was young, the kids in the band took a lot of grief. Looking at that situation in hindsight and seeing over the years how they work, I think band's one hell of a wholesome positive community situation for a lot of kids.
 
That's my point, where he goes to school. Good programs are good because they welcome and love the least of society. I promise if this child is enrolled in a inclusive program that's based on love. He will have a positive experience and great life going forward.
 
I think I can somewhat relate. Middle school I was socially awkward, lonely and just wanted a group of friends, so I fell in with a bad crowd. Made some bad decisions, but I realized that and stopped going along with whatever they did. As a result, I became a target for bullying by some of my former "friends" and it got so bad that I transferred to another school district (Green) for 9th grade. I was very sad, lonely, angry and didn't trust anybody for a year or so. It got better because I started doing things to get out of my comfort zone. I got a job, started talking to classmates more, going to games, started lifting weights and going to a gym. I gained a lot of confidence and although I didn't become the most popular kid in school, I have a group of friends and we genuinely care about each other. Growing up, I was extremely nonathletic and just a tall, skinny, quiet kid. I never played HS sports, but I busted my working out after school, got taller, and now I'm 6-4 and about 200 lbs. I met friends at work. I went to almost every football and basketball game to support my friends on the team. I also started putting more of an effort in at school, my grades improved and I also got more serious about my faith. I'm 19 now, but when I was 16, I thought I'd always be a loner. Trust me, his opportunities have not passed him by, I've been there, and things can get better.
 
When I was in high school some 55 years ago, there was not such a thing as a psychologist to treat a student's concerns or problems. There was one counselor for the whole school, an old Jesuit, and his answer to any problems you might have was "Go lift weights." So a good part of my class might have turned out to be psychopaths and serial killers, we were at least strong pyschopaths and murderers.
 
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