I have to visit a dying friend....

T

Tesoro

Well-known member
I have a friend that has two weeks to live or less. Liver cancer is taking his life. He's 54 yrs old. I knew him since he was 5 years old..road my bus for all 12 years...ran around together in middle and high school. His wife reached out through another friend to tell me that I'm more than welcome to come and visit.

I'm so not prepared to do that. Life is so unfair sometimes. Anyone have any advice?
 
 
Make the visit, and soon. It will mean the world to your friend. Ask what he wants to talk about. He'll probably enjoy reminiscing about the experiences you two had growing up.

Expect to be a little uncomfortable, and do your best to tough it out. I visited a younger guy I'd known since he was a teen, ended up with brain cancer in his late 40's. I made a visit three days before he passed, and it was difficult. He was at home in a hospice bed, the drugs gave him a fever, and he was miserable with body aches just laying there. I hope it took his mind off his discomfort for a few minutes.

Good luck.
 
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Zunardo said:
Make the visit, and soon. It will mean the world to your friend. Ask what he wants to talk about. He'll probably enjoy reminiscing about the experiences you two had growing up.

Expect to be a little uncomfortable, and do your best to tough it out. I visited a younger guy I'd known since he was a teen, ended up with brain cancer in his late 40's. I made a visit three days before he passed, and it was difficult. He was at home in a hospice bed, the drugs gave him a fever, and he was miserable with body aches just laying there. I hope it took his mind off his discomfort for a few minutes.

Good luck.
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Thank you. He's on hospice now. Not talking much from what I was told. Amazing how quickly he has declined. I'm just scared that I'll be crying my eyes out. I will inside...I know, as it's hard for me to think about and not cry.
 
It's really sad to see this and be apart of it. But it's time to say goodbye and celebrate your friendship that God gave you two. It's easy for me to say from here, but none of us are going to be here forever. We will all pass sometime. I hope you and your friend have faith, pray it will give you strength.
 
14Red said:
It's really sad to see this and be apart of it. But it's time to say goodbye and celebrate your friendship that God gave you two. It's easy for me to say from here, but none of us are going to be here forever. We will all pass sometime. I hope you and your friend have faith, pray it will give you strength.
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We do. I haven't spent much time with him after high school (which I'm equally sad about) but a couple months ago I took a day off work and picked him up and we went to a Basilica a couple hours away and we prayed together. After..we took in a couple gun shops and had dinner. I was truly honored that he accepted my invitation. Now I'm honored that his wife had asked me to stop in.
 
Tesoro said:
We do. I haven't spent much time with him after high school (which I'm equally sad about) but a couple months ago I took a day off work and picked him up and we went to a Basilica a couple hours away and we prayed together. After..we took in a couple gun shops and had dinner. I was truly honored that he accepted my invitation. Now I'm honored that his wife had asked me to stop in.
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Basilica in Carey by chance?
 
Tesoro said:
We do. I haven't spent much time with him after high school (which I'm equally sad about) but a couple months ago I took a day off work and picked him up and we went to a Basilica a couple hours away and we prayed together. After..we took in a couple gun shops and had dinner. I was truly honored that he accepted my invitation. Now I'm honored that his wife had asked me to stop in.
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Those are some magical times. It's not the quantity, but the quality. Thankful you have this precious time with him.
 
Tesoro said:
:) Yes.
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That's such a powerful place. Spent many an afternoon/evening lighting candles and praying in the lower Basilica there. If anyone needs to be convinced of miracles actually occurring, that's the place to take them.

All the best as you spend time with your friend. It's never easy, even after years of having not seen someone. I've never been good with showing emotion, so these types of things are hard for me as well. I usually default to remembering the funny stuff/trouble we may have caused as kids/teens, etc. Sometimes those laughs together can mean the most. But either way, just the fact that you're going to show up is important. My wife and I just visited calling hours/funeral for our close friends mother. And the Mrs. always reminds me that as hard as these things can be, they always remember who shows up in these important/awful moments.
 
utsherman said:
That's such a powerful place. Spent many an afternoon/evening lighting candles and praying in the lower Basilica there. If anyone needs to be convinced of miracles actually occurring, that's the place to take them.

All the best as you spend time with your friend. It's never easy, even after years of having not seen someone. I've never been good with showing emotion, so these types of things are hard for me as well. I usually default to remembering the funny stuff/trouble we may have caused as kids/teens, etc. Sometimes those laughs together can mean the most. But either way, just the fact that you're going to show up is important. My wife and I just visited calling hours/funeral for our close friends mother. And the Mrs. always reminds me that as hard as these things can be, they always remember who shows up in these important/awful moments.
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I've been there several times. Never miss stopping in when I'm in the area. Was praying for a miracle...but it wasn't to be.
 
Just helped send my Uncle over to the other side this past weekend, my dad's only sibling and he never married so I was like a son to him and he treated me as such. Physically being with him was rough, what now seems just as rough is dealing with the stuff he left behind including a financial web of personal and business accounts. Much to do for the living afterwards...
 
End of life scenarios are difficult for everybody. Just do the best you can for your friend. Often times, that means just being there. Try to think of anything that has been left unsaid to this point and share it with your friend because it will eat at you for awhile if you don't.
 
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Tesoro said:
We do. I haven't spent much time with him after high school (which I'm equally sad about) but a couple months ago I took a day off work and picked him up and we went to a Basilica a couple hours away and we prayed together. After..we took in a couple gun shops and had dinner. I was truly honored that he accepted my invitation. Now I'm honored that his wife had asked me to stop in.
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Don't wait!

A couple weeks may not be a couple weeks.
 
Mr. Slippery said:
End of life scenarios are difficult for everybody. Just do the best you can for your friend. Often times, that means just being there. Try to think of anything that has been left unsaid to this point and share with your friend it because it will eat at you for awhile if you don't.
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I have things I’d like to say…. For sure.
 
Zunardo said:
It will mean the world to your friend.
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While true, I actually think it will mean more to you.

And keep the basic principal in mind that sick people are tired and, well, sick. Be sensitive to a time limit. If they look all wiped out…10-15 minutes. Sick people frequently retain their manners…they may resist telling you to leave. Figure it out. Don’t overstay…
 
CatAlum said:
While true, I actually think it will mean more to you.

And keep the basic principal in mind that sick people are tired and, well, sick. Be sensitive to a time limit. If they look all wiped out…10-15 minutes. Sick people frequently retain their manners…they may resist telling you to leave. Figure it out. Don’t overstay…
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Great advice and I agree 100 percent.

I received the text this morning from his wife.. I will be going over this morning at some point.
 
Good luck this morning , it will be one of the emotionally tough things you'll ever do. My dad passed away quickly after he was diagnosed with cancer. It absolutely devastated my family, but we were all their for him. He had a stroke at the end of october (he was 65) and then another one the day before he was getting scoped for acid reflux, the Dr sent him immediatley to the hospital where it was diagnosed as a stroke and then they found the cancer. He was not really coherent, but we could tell he could understand us. He was in the hospital for 7 days before hospice, on day 6 he was able to mumble sentences and myself and brothers knew if anyone wanted to come and say their good byes it was going to be that day. We pulled the grandkids old enough to handle that scene out of school and let them talk a little, my dad even cracked a "dad" joke to my oldest son. His friends from all times of his life came by just for a short time to talk to him. It was tough seeing him in that shape but it meant a lot to us and I'm sure they felt relieved and thankful they got to say good by. I'm thankful people cared that much about my dad to go through that tough process.
 
It took my mom four months to die last spring.

Every time I visited we were sharing stories and laughing.

It's tough saying goodbye, but we all leave in the end.

Good luck, have a good day.
 
JackEd said:
Good luck this morning , it will be one of the emotionally tough things you'll ever do. My dad passed away quickly after he was diagnosed with cancer. It absolutely devastated my family, but we were all their for him. He had a stroke at the end of october (he was 65) and then another one the day before he was getting scoped for acid reflux, the Dr sent him immediatley to the hospital where it was diagnosed as a stroke and then they found the cancer. He was not really coherent, but we could tell he could understand us. He was in the hospital for 7 days before hospice, on day 6 he was able to mumble sentences and myself and brothers knew if anyone wanted to come and say their good byes it was going to be that day. We pulled the grandkids old enough to handle that scene out of school and let them talk a little, my dad even cracked a "dad" joke to my oldest son. His friends from all times of his life came by just for a short time to talk to him. It was tough seeing him in that shape but it meant a lot to us and I'm sure they felt relieved and thankful they got to say good by. I'm thankful people cared that much about my dad to go through that tough process.
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My father, as well, passed quickly from cancer at age 64. We had two weeks with him from the time he was diagnosed to the time he died (brain tumor...took him off life support after surgery complications). There was only time for a few friends to visit before he left for a hospital in Chicago.

I will forever remember the people that stopped in to visit mom in the days after.
 
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