I received an advance copy of Ryan Day’s pregame speech for today. He is expected to say the following:
“To Whom It May Concern,
Last year, our manhood was put to the test by Michigan. We failed miserably and were humiliated on national TV by a team we once owned in brighter days for our program. We played like a bunch of sissies.
In all likelihood, the same thing is going to happen again today. Michigan is going to run the ball right at us. We’re going to get penetrated more times than Joey Chestnut’s throat at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Speaking of gorging, you O-linemen look like you just ate a whole turkey and pumpkin pie. Are we going to get any first downs on 3rd and short or nah?
But I digress. Men, you came to Ohio State for one reason and one reason only: To go to the NFL. Jaxon Smith-Njigba is someone you should all want to be, so you won’t have to go through games like today. So remember this: Even when you lose today, keep your head held high. Sure, the fans and your fellow students might say you let them down. But you can tell them that you might go to the NFL!
For those of you who are leaving us for the NFL, I want to congratulate you for playing your final game for Ohio State today and no longer having to worry about the charade of going to class. I know you won’t be around for whatever meaningless bowl game we get shipped to, and frankly I can’t blame you for not wanting to get hurt.
Lastly, I assure you that our Big Ten schedule has not in the slightest prepared us for what we are facing today. But let’s try to run up some solid passing stats and keep it relatively close so my name remains en vogue for NFL coach vacancies.
Thank you for your time, and enjoy that we’ve got scarlet jerseys to camouflage the blood that you will likely spill in bitter defeat.
— 30 —”
It’s true, it’s true. Trust me …